I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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