eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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