It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Dicks are not precious.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
