Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
