I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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