Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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