sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
