At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
