Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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