So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
