That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
