everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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