quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
