he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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