Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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