Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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