she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
