Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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