She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
