Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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