Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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