I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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