Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
