i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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