The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
