do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Randomize
