dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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