so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
