I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
