I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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