And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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