Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
