how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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