Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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