I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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