As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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