I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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