So many bounce houses so little time
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Is Oprah even human
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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