A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
