I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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