why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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