How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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