I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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