if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
