The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
