Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
