i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
