420 ftw
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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