Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
