youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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