I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
