i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
