see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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