very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
