instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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