Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
