Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
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