How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just tell him i said nine months
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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